Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
