1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
