I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
