just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
