Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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