So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
