im six kinds of drunk right now
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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