She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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