We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
