Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.