The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Randomize
