You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
