I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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