I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
