Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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