The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
