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If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
