So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
