I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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