Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
