4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I still have a little drunk in my system
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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