I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
