I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
