Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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