just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
