plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
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