Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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