I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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