Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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