well I can't set my house on fire every night
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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