i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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