I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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