So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
