So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
