Betty ford says i'm here all night
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
