you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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