I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
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