The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
