shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
