You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
