my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
