He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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