we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I need moral support for this bender
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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