My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
