I want to have your abortion
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
