Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
We were destined to go to rehab together
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
