This dress was meant to end up on your floor
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
