i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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