My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
