He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize