TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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