If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
