I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
