It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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