why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
