I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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