if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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